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I have a doubt!


“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.” --- Vincent van Gogh

Uncertainty – a tricky word, isn’t it? It is not merely a word; it is a feeling that moves us and our lives. How many of us have not ever had a phase of intense uncertainty? There might hardly be anyone. It is a part of our lives and we can, by no means, neglect it.
Uncertainty is everywhere around us. It is a parasite that lives on our peace of mind and with each passing moment, it kills us from within. For me it is the success of my coming novel; for my sister it is her result; for an acquaintance it is his job; for a relative it is a business deal; for a friend it’s her career; for a neighbour it is his life after retirement; for some it is their marriage; for some it is the lasting of friendship; for the others it is their relations and what not. The list of the vagueness before us is long but that of solutions is not.
What can we do about the vagueness of our vision? To be honest, we can’t do much. But yes many of our qualms are regarding the realisation of our I-have-cherished-this-for-so-long dreams. Many of these depend on our efforts, although some do not.  But for the ones which do, the corner stone of getting them is a rush of adrenaline and confidence. “Dreaming is very pleasant as long as you are not forced to put your dreams into practice.” says Paulo Coelho. To dream is easy but to get them realized is hard. After we fail to put in the required efforts, we are suspicious of our success.
Though, sometimes the circumstances and scenarios don’t go hand in hand with our luck and efforts. At such times we really can’t do anything.  
Although, we are the thinking beings, yet there are a million things in life that we cannot sort out and out of those millions are hundreds of thousands of which we are vague to us. But these doubts prove that we are humans. Had we known everything in advance, how would we be different from the Divine power? Who would fear God? Who would fear death? What would have been the purpose of our existence on this earth? I quote William Congreve “Fear comes from uncertainty. When we are absolutely certain, whether of our worth or worthlessness, we are almost impervious to fear.”
 Humans are always and have always to be full of doubt but we can always keep the peace of mind. Let’s only think about the immediate next thing that would be happening to us and shun worrying about the thinks of distant future. We never know what is destined for us. We might have a dream in our eyes for years and years, about which we’d have worried, but there’d be a day when we suddenly would change our mind, give that particular dream a back-seat and place a different one in front. It would just be a matter of minutes. So why worry so much about those ambiguities?
Several years ago, I wanted to be at IIT and was so worried where I would go for the coaching. Soon after that, I wanted be a businesswoman when I grew up and was apprehensive whether my parents would allow that thought to be taken into realization but then things changed and that dream had no ways in which it could be put into reality. Today I am worried if I would get through CATE but who knows what I’d be thinking some months later.
I am not the one out of the crowd. I too belong to the lot with the land of confidence left barren and the lake of perseverance run dry. Yet, I believe in things that are predestined for me. Whatever we do, however hard we try, and the path we choose, we’d always end up at the same ultimate destination that is written for us.
Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.  Let’s handle today and give our best to what we do in the present. Do your best and God will do the rest. Let’s not worry about the future that is not in our hands. Worry is a misuse of imagination.
Cowper says “Uncertainty and expectation are the joys of life. Security is an insipid thing.”

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Nostalgia



Being at Bemina –my aunt’s home, after so much of time for so many days feels so good. Being here at this at this time of the year, winter, reminds me of the time we had spent here last year. I used to get up early morning, hurrying to leave for NP Singh’s Chemistry classes at Baghat, the auto-wallah waiting for me outside the gate- ringing the bell after every two minutes saying that I (read: he)was getting late and then worrying about reaching the class so late. J

I miss Chotu today. Bemina without Chotu is incomplete. He had been one of the most caring people here last year. I remember tickling him like anything, making him tell me jokes, asking him to make Kehwa for me and a million things.
Anyways, I have many beautiful memories associated with this place. From coming being scared of stone pelters to writing my exams, everything is in the deep treasures of my heart. When I drive on the streets of Bemina, I have a very strangely good  feeling in my heart. I miss the moments I learnt to drive on these streets. And yeah, how can I forget the days I was learning to ride a cycle and Seema Di screaming at me because of that.
I do not get any peace of heart at home or for that matter anywhere now. But Bemina makes me feel alive. I miss this place. I don’t go to any relatives’ place usually but I am always more than ready to come here.
It is so maybe because the only place we got real care and got time to revive our lives after having spent half a year in living the Tragic Event at Baramulla. These were the people who got us time to get our lives back on track. Helped us learning to live again. Loved us unconditionally. Encouraged us to move on.
Although, I cannot forget Seema Di’s anger and her tantrums. But now, I never feel bad about it. It is a part of her. She’ll get cramps if she doesn’t get angry over anything in the day and doesn’t throw her tantrums. :P I love her. And I love Khaloojan and their Children.
I miss Seema di’s children too today. They’re at Jammu with Khaloojan these days. Hope to see em soon.... 

PS: I was wondering who'd squint his eyes like I am doing nowadays. I remembered that i had this habit last year as well. I get it from Nasir Sir. I love it when he squints his eyes after solving each question. :) 

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